About Romance (Part Three)
Life in my post-decision world had been good. I now, more than ever, felt like the life I was living was purposeful and planned. I felt as though I had some newly formed, solid connection to God — almost as if from high on His throne in heaven, His presence resonated deep within me, following me everywhere I’d go, partaking with me in the experiences of my life.
It was now about mid-semester through the last semester of my undergraduate education, and things really seemed to be looking up. I had been granted an interview with the administrative faculty of my department for a position that would provide full scholarship toward my master’s degree, as well as a generous additional stipend that would help cover living expenses and other amenities.
What more could I ask for, God? You have blessed me so immensely. I do not deserve what You’ve done in my life. Still, You are more than enough. If all of this were taken away, You are more than enough.
God has a funny way of exceeding your expectations.
_________________________
So there I was, hiding behind a podium in a large auditorium so that none of the all-female audience could see me — a script with my lines highlighted on my cross-legged lap and clutching a tiny microphone in my hands preparing to speak. A friend of mine from some of my college classes asked me if I could play the voice of God for one of the women’s Bible study meetings at which she was interning, wherein I would have a conversation (as God) with the woman who was leading the session.
I had practiced my lines at least five times over and was completely prepared for the performance that lay ahead. What I was not prepared for however, was my phone buzzing with a text message, just before the leading woman was about to start. I scrambled to reach my phone buried deep within my pocket, inadvertently scattering my script all around the floor in front of me.
I still don’t remember why I was so furious in the pursuit to check my phone immediately. After all, I’d gotten a fair amount of texts that same day and none of them provoked the same amount of curiosity or drive.
I was finally able to wrap my fingers around the top edge of my phone and pry it from my jeans pocket to find that my friend, the girl I was telling you about before who was talking through the decision with me, was asking me what I was up to.
I told her that I was hiding behind a podium so that I could play the voice of God for a women’s ministry session, and she must have not believed me because she paid no regard to what I said in her response. Instead, she told me that whatever I was doing wasn’t exciting, and that we should do something exciting together.
______________________________
Now, before I go any further, you need to know a few things.
This friend and I, while we talked a lot and enjoyed each other’s company in groups, very rarely ever spent time together alone. Part of the reason for this was likely due to the fact that a year earlier, some things happened which I won’t delve too deeply into, which led to a sort of silent period where we didn’t talk or see each other for a few months straight. The long and short of it was, I liked her, and she didn’t like me, or liked me but didn’t want to admit she did, or didn’t realize that she did like me and therefore couldn’t admit it — and admittedly, I’m not sure I really understood everything that happened, but I’ve realized that you just can’t understand everything, no matter how hard you try.
Our “dark ages” ended in the middle of the summer between college semesters, when she sent me a message online and told me that she was sorry about how things had ended so abruptly and how she felt bad because of it and how she wanted to be friends again. I told her I harbored no bitterness against her and that we could, of course, be friends again — and the fact of the matter is that I never stopped considering her my friend, even when we didn’t talk. I only thought of her as a friend who went away for a while.
We had a class together when college started up again. I have to say that it was kind of bittersweet. I looked forward to seeing her every other day, and I enjoyed all of our conversations, but it was hard to repress the feelings I had once felt for her. Still, the recollections of the past, no matter how vivid or remorseful, could do nothing to shake the newfound friendship that we enjoyed. And I was thankful even just for that.
My mom had given me some great advice that same year that I took to heart. She encouraged me to be a friend to everybody and not expect anything more. She said this would make all of my friendships and relationships more meaningful — that I should merely recognize and appreciate the fact that I had them in the first place.
I’ve been reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller, and he puts it this way:
“…I’ve also let go of the idea things will ever be made perfect, at least while I am walking around on this planet. I’ve let go of the idea that this life has a climax… And the thing is, it works. When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are. And when you stop expecting material possessions to complete you, you’d be surprised at how much pleasure you get in material possessions. And when you stop expecting God to end all your troubles, you’d be surprised how much you like spending time with God.”
I can attest to the fact that it really did enliven all of my friendships, especially the one I had with this girl.
And even though most of our friendship was lived in the classroom and the sporadic lunches together that followed the class, I was happy. I was content. All the while, I was remembering what I had prayed to God, that I would always recognize that He is more than enough. And He was. And He is.
__________________________
I was slightly taken aback by her statement that we should do something exciting together. I mean, we did get dinner or coffee together a few, scattered times throughout this new semester, following the semester I took the class with her. But these meetings were few and far between, and I figured they were just to connect as friends every once in a while so that our friendship wouldn’t go stale.
Mostly, when we went to dinner or coffee, our conversations were focused on what was going on in our educational pursuits, or what we were learning spiritually and where we were going to church at the time, and sharing advice on personal projects. Nothing really personal, nothing really pivotal, I thought.
So slightly perplexed, I shot back a message asking what she had in mind.
A few minutes went by without response, and I was starting to wander back to the reality of the fact that I was still hiding behind a podium, waiting to play the voice of God.
Just as the women’s Bible study leader was about to give me my cue to begin, I felt a buzz and looked to see that my phone had a message. Kate, the girl I’ve been talking about, asked me if I wanted to go grab coffee with her at a local coffee shop. I must be seeing things. I reread the text about three times to make sure I wasn’t missing something. Surely enough, she was asking me to spend some time with her, and I responded with an emphatic “yes!” At this point, the Bible study leader cued me to start.
The performance went smoothly, but all I could think about was why Kate had asked me to hang out with her. After my part in the Bible study was done, I quietly sneaked out a side door, walked briskly to my car, started it, and began my short drive to Kate’s dorm to pick her up. Questions regarding what was about to happen came in droves and left without any answers or clarifications. What could she possibly have to talk to me about that she would want to see me in person? And what does she mean by “exciting?” After a few minutes, I arrived at her dorm, she got in my car, and we headed off toward the coffee shop.
Our conversation was lighthearted in the car and when we took our seats at a small wooden table, off to the side of the shop and up against a large window overlooking an outside terrace. She asked me how my musical pursuits were progressing and if I had written anything new; I asked her about her classes and if she had been working on any new projects. Well, I guess she just wanted to hang out for a bit then — no big deal.
After a short while, she brought me back to the topic of music and lyrics and was about to say something when she was abruptly cut off by a man approaching the stage of the coffee shop, announcing his name, and revealing that he was a magician providing entertainment for the night. ”Hey, you wanted exciting?” I asked sarcastically, “Looks like you got what you asked for!”
The magician performed tricks for a good 45 minutes and, at one point, even recruited Kate as a volunteer. She came back to the table slightly embarrassed at having to stand up in front of the whole shop, but she quickly regained composure and seemed anxious for the magician to be done with his routine.
Upon finally ending his riveting (sarcasm) performance after coming back for an “encore” (I don’t remember hearing anyone shouting for one), Kate grabbed my attention and said she needed to show me something.
She said she had written some lyrics and wanted me to look at them, as we had many times before shared writings, lyrics, and music with each other. She slid a folded-up piece of notebook paper across the table but kept her hand on top of it; “After you read this, I need to talk to you,” she said both seemingly excited and nervous at the same time, as she released her grip on the paper.
I don’t really remember what I was expecting as I unfolded the piece of paper to read the lyrics, but as I read the title and began to read the words written in front of me, my heart leapt in a way I had never experienced before. The lyrics of the song she had written were directed at me, and in them, she was asking me for a second chance. No, no, surely I’m reading this the wrong way. I flipped to the back side of the paper and still, more words asking for, no, hoping for a second chance at a relationship were written. Well this must just be about someone else. All of my questions about what and who the lyrics were for were answered by a single note denoted by an asterisk at the bottom of the back page:
“In case there was any confusion, this song is about you!”
I vividly remember reading to the end of the song she had written, and losing all track of time and location. My head was abuzz with thoughts: Is this all just a dream? What made her change her mind? Did is misread something? The feelings that arose within me were nothing, and I mean nothing like I had ever experienced before. She took me completely by surprise (which no one had really ever been able to do) and shattered every single expectation or conclusion I had made about what I thought I knew.
I finally snapped back to the reality of where I was and, looking up at the beautiful girl that was sitting in front of me, who had all at once changed from a friend into the most incredible and important person in my life, I broke the silence:
“Let’s get out of here and talk!”
_________________________
It’s been just over five months since that day, sitting in that coffee shop when all of my expectations about romance and relationship were simultaneously shattered and surpassed in every way. With all of the days that have passed since then, I have been learning so much about what it means to pursue the woman of my heart, to enjoy all of the moments that we spend together, and to delight in her exquisitely unique personality, charm, beauty, and heart. She truly has surpassed every single expectation of what I thought a good “girlfriend” or “significant other” would be.
It’s honestly hard for me to live a day where I don’t think that I don’t deserve this woman. It’s so easy for me to look at my life and pick out all the things I don’t like about myself and then place them in the spotlight of my self evaluation, highlighting them as the pinnacle of who I am.
The truth is, I don’t deserve her; but more than that, I don’t deserve anything. And yet in the midst of this, my mind goes back to a very specific conversation I had with God:
What more could I ask for, God? You have blessed me so immensely. I do not deserve what You’ve done in my life. Still, You are more than enough. If all of this were taken away, You are more than enough.
What became clear to me is that in the same way Kate and I were now sharing a beautiful relationship and romance, so God was sharing a continual romance with my soul.
Part of the excitement of romance lies within the mystery — in the unpredictability associated with all of the unknowns of the object of our affection. And you see, in just the same way that I had absolutely no idea of Kate’s thoughts and plans — even though I thought I knew her so well — I didn’t know, nor would I ever have guessed God’s perfect plan to bring us together the way He did. And I think the key to all of this — to enjoying God and the wonderful people and things He blesses us with — is to come to the simple, yet deeply profound understanding that He is enough.
In the book Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldridge, they explain the heart of a woman and her yearning to be romanced:
”…don’t you see that you want this? To be desired, to be pursued by one who loves you, to be someone’s priority?”
How is God any different? He did, after all, create man and woman in His image — after His own likeness. Is not “just as you are, you are enough for me” one of the, if not the most magnificent thing you could ever tell someone or be told yourself? Think about what that truly means. It means that you — all of you — with all of your personality traits, beauty, passion, heart, and even your flaws and failures are enough to satisfy the heart of another living, breathing, and thinking individual. Is this not one of the, if not the most magnificent way we can glorify God, Who has no flaws, and created us with the capacity to love and be loved and yearn for romance in the first place?
Of this I have become convinced: that we are made for relationships — and not just the kind that lead to marriage, but also between friends, and between family, and between brothers and sisters as sons and daughters of the Most High God. And moreover we, each of us, are made for romance — and not just the kind that leads to marriage, but the kind that can only be derived from the Divine — from the Creator of all that exists, the Founder of love, and the Provider of the single most important and romantic of actions that has ever been done:
“In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:10, ESV).
-
joemarcus posted this
